you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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