FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
