How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
