I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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