fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
