i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she peed on how many people?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
