Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
