i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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