I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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