Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
