She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
