he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
