I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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