How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
