"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You are a genius and a whore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
