You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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