You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
