i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
