Jerry, you need to find god
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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