I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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