how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
