I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
