Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
