Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
