part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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