we're blogging at a bar
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
