just tell him i said nine months
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
