I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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