I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
