whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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