I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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