Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
