I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
