i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
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I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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