New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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