Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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