New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
