Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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