dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
