she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
