If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
