It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
