omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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