she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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