I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
