i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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