benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot