When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Man, jail baloney is awful.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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