I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?