i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.