whjeg hajt iyt
wanna hang out?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.