well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"