this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
