note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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