He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
