what day is it and did you see me today?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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