I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i came on her dog
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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