in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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