I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
