I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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