I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
