I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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