i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
