the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
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How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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