I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
