i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
