im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize