how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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