When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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