Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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