I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
